March 30, 2004

MixTape Friday: Radio Hell
By Canyon Cody
Published in The Heights.

I loathe the radio. I would be tempted to give up music altogether if I had to rely on Ramiro and Pebbles on Jam'n 94.5 to bring me my hip-hop. Am I just one of those obnoxious music snobs who dislikes a song just because everyone else likes it? No, it just turns out that the masses have pitifully poor taste in hip-hop. Nevertheless, in an attempt to better understand the musical taste of the proletariat, I sat down to listen to Billboard's Top 10 Rap Singles.


#1 - J-Kwon "Typsy"
This song deserves my most venomous criticism, but I'll admit it: I can't help shaking my ass when it comes on. This week my roommate asked me, "How could everybody in the club get tips? Isn't the bartender usually the only one that gets tips?" Oh God.

#2 - Chingy "One Call Away"
This is the best proof that just because you have more than one hit, it still doesn't mean you're anything more than a one-hit wonder. If you hear a song like this every 20 minutes and you still can't remember any of the lyrics other than the catchy chorus, then it's not hip-hop, it's radio pop.

#3 - Ludacris "Splash Waterfalls"
I've got nothing nasty to say about Luda; unlike most rappers, at least he admits he's just a cartoon.

#4 - Jay-Z "Dirt Off Your Shoulder"
You should be embarrassed for yourself every single time you actually "brush some dirt off your shoulder" when this song comes on.

#5 - Cassidy, ft. R.Kelly "Hotel"
When you see R.Kelly wearing that silly Batman mask in the video, your instincts say there must be a joke there: "Maybe next time you videotape yourself pissing on a little girl you might remember the mask and avoid the lawsuit" Ha-ha! Good one.


#6 - Twista "Slow Jamz"
Chuck D finally came out and said it: "I'm trying to understand how somebody gets top notch producer credits for speeding up old records." Obviously everything Kanye touches turns to gold (or platinum more likely), but turning goofy Jamie Foxx into Nate Dogg was truly impressive.

#7 - G-Unit, ft. Joe "Wanna Get To Know You"
I seem to remember 50 Cent rapping, "I don't dance around like Diddy." And now what's he doing in the video? Dancing around like a little girl. Eminem must cringe every time he hears this song.

#8 - Ying Yang Twins, ft. Lil Jon "Salt Shaker"
I refuse to listen to this song

#9 - Sean Paul "I'm Still In Love With You"
Is America incapable of enjoying more than one Jamaican musician at a time? We loved Marley for 25 years without feeling the need to learn about other reggae artists, and now it's the same with Sean Paul.

#10 - Petey Pablo "Freek-A-Leek"
Hearing Lil' Jon yell "What?" and "Yeah!" in a real song is even funnier and more ridiculous than watching Dave Chappelle make fun of him. I liked this song the first time, when Usher did it.